April Showers

It's been about nine days since I started miscarrying.  I had been pregnant for just over ten weeks.  A week before that, Allen and I had gone to the doctor for our first visit, and got to see the developing heartbeat of the baby I was carrying.  We were excited, and told our three oldest kids that they were going to have a new brother or sister (waiting to tell Calvin till after it was public knowledge).

It's just been pretty hard.  For one thing, we had planned on telling our parents and siblings last weekend, and we were really looking forward to that . . . but mostly, we were looking forward to welcoming another baby to our family.  My due date was October 28th, the day before Mollie's birthday, and she had been ecstatic having a sweet little brother or sister for a birthday present.

I had the "baby bump" app on my phone, and it was fun to get daily updates and pregnancy tips.  I had told a few close friends, and they had all responded so perfectly and hilariously!  The pregnancy had been going really well--I wasn't too sick and not even too tired.  I was pregnant when I went to my sister's weekend at Hebgen Lake, and when Allen and I went to Cleveland, and when we were wedding singers for Levi and Chloe, and during the last ten weeks of teaching school . . . I hid my belly as best I could, but it was just starting to get to the noticeable stage when I started miscarrying.

I began to be worried on Monday night, because I started having painful cramping.  We called Troy Nielsen, and he came over to give me a blessing with Allen.  I felt better after the blessing, but woke up in pain around 2:30, when I began to bleed.  It's not a pretty or pleasant thing to have happen . . . or to write about.  I kept thinking of a line from my favorite poem by Linda Pastan, "it was never simple, even for birds / this business of nests."

Sleep did not come for the rest of the night.  Some time around 5 AM, I emailed my principal to let him know I wouldn't be in to work, and why.  I hadn't wanted to break my news that way.

I texted my doctor, an early riser, and he responded kindly, telling me to come in at nine.  I crawled back in bed at seven and caught an hour and a half of sleep.  Allen went with me to the doctor's office and was very sweet and comforting (he always is).  

It was such a stark contrast to our visit to the same place just six days before: so somber and painful instead of light-hearted and excited.  Doctor Franson was very kind, and told us it looked like I would not likely need surgery, that my body would continue miscarrying on its own.

Not many people know I had a tubal pregnancy between Truman and Brigham.  But it was such a  different experience--I never had time to feel excited about being pregnant, because I was in a lot of pain and knew something was wrong right away.  That ten-and-a-half weeks of anticipation makes a huge difference.

I had two days, Tuesday and Wednesday, to just feel sad, and slowly let people know what I was going through.  I was not in much pain physically; I didn't really know what to expect.  I first told the few friends who knew I was pregnant, then I broke the news to our families.  Again, not how I wanted to share this information.

Flowers from Sharla, Brenda, and
Bishop Murdoch, who works at my school

Family members were so kind and supportive--they called and texted and told me they were aching with us.  Friends started dropping by with flowers and goodies and even dinners (from Amanda and Meg).  I received such a  thoughtful, empathetic email from Mr. Sotutu, my principal, who told me to stay home the rest of the week, and that he knew from personal experience what a hard thing a miscarriage can be.  Friends were kind and thoughtful toward Allen, too, recognizing that miscarriage is not just difficult for moms.  Allen's sister, Heather, made me laugh when she described how she called some restaurants in Soda Springs, trying to buy us dinner . . . but of course none of them had online menus.  She called Allen and then bought us a gift card over the phone at our favorite, El Toro.  She has always been one to find a way to serve others, no matter the obstacles.

I was not prepared when, on Wednesday, while sitting at my computer in the afternoon, I heard my side door open and a voice say, "Sometimes you just need your sisters."  It was Bonnie.  And Hanna, and Katie, and Kailey, and Savanah.  My sisters.

I burst into tears.

They swooped into the room, hugged me, and wiped at their own tears.  Then they started bringing in a table-full of gift bags and boxes, each filled with everything I love: socks, cupcakes, peanut butter cups, gardening tools, bath bombs, water bottles, flowers, frozen lasagnas, lip gloss, books and magazines, and sweet cards of sympathy.  They know how to speak my love language, shallow though it may be.

Calvin thought the Oreos were for him . . .

As if this wasn't overwhelming enough, they pretty much told me to sit down and be quiet while they went to work.  They swept and mopped and did the dishes and vacuumed and dusted and emptied garbage.  They had even brought brand new bottles of cleaning supplies, which they left behind later that night.

Wenches know how to CLEAN

Oh, my heart.  My sisters!  They are just my favorite people in the world.  We were all laughing in no time.  They would not let me help, even though I told them I was feeling fine physically.  They explained that Ali was on a trip in California and Sharla was getting an iron transfusion, and those are the only reasons the two of them did not come.  Kailey and Savanah told me that both Everett and Eli (my brothers) had taken time off work so they could come, and Savanah drove.  That almost made me cry again.  

I was surprised that Everett had also sent a live rooster with Kailey--I had texted him a few days earlier and asked if he had a rooster he didn't want, since mine had died during the winter.  Kailey packed the bird in with all the other goodies, which was kind of funny.

I let my sisters take turns breaking some wishbones I had . . .

Of course they had to make a "Maverik run", so we all piled in Savanah's car and went to the gas station for sodas and even more treats.  I told them we should go to the high school and cheer for Brigham at track practice, knowing that he would love the attention of his beautiful and hilarious aunts.  When we arrived, I asked a friend of Brigham's where he was and Hanna piped up, "I'm his girlfriend.  We met on the Internet."  She couldn't help jumping on the track where some boys were practicing relay hand-offs.  She stuck out her hand and said, "I'm ready!  pass me the baton!"

"I'm waiting."

I was a little relieved to find that Brigham reacted just as I had hoped he would--he grinned from ear to ear when all of us cheered for him while we was running.  Without missing a beat, he walked over and looked at all his aunts, then said slyly, "Where's my favorite aunt Sharla?"

Brig and the aunts

They stayed till late and we sat and talked and laughed some more.  We played "Spot It" with Mollie and Truman took a few pictures of us:

He made sure to get one with his toe that just
had ingrown surgery . . . 

I love these beautiful women

At one point, I was telling my sisters about a neighbor I visit-teach and Katie jokingly corrected me and said, "Um, I think you mean minister," (referring to the changes just made at general conference).  I answered, "I mean, I'm her ministering angel."

We laughed, but I really can't think of a better example of ministering angels than my sweet, thoughtful, beautiful, energetic, hilarious sisters.  They just brightened everything up and made me feel so loved.  And it was in the nick of time, too, because just after they left, and just when I felt emotionally stable, I started the real, full-on, terrible pain of miscarriage.  Tuesday and Wednesday were emotionally painful days, but Wednesday through the weekend were so awful physically.  I really do feel grateful that it happened that way.  I am lucky that I didn't have to reach the peak (or is it depth?) of terrible emotional pain at the same time as unbearable physical pain.

Allen rendered the best possible service to me.  We had been planning on seeing his parents in the Salt Lake area that weekend.  Even up through Wednesday, I still planned on going down to Kathryn's to welcome Mom and Dad back from their two-year mission to Ghana. But when the real pain started on Wednesday night, I knew I could not travel or try to sleep in a different place, or deal with some serious hemorrhaging at someone else's house.  Allen suggested that he still go with the kids and bring his parents back to see me.  So I had two. whole. days. alone in my house.  Every mother's FANTASY.  It was so wonderful to get enough sleep at night and just take it easy from Thursday night to Saturday night.  And it was wonderful to finally see and hug and talk to Mom and Dad!  They came up to our house on Saturday evening and stayed for a day--I so love the spirit they brought with them!

General Conference was just the day before I started miscarrying, and I am also grateful that I had the peace of those two days to help sustain me through this difficult time.  I re-listened to almost every talk during my two days home alone.  President Nelson's talk, especially, has been such a comfort.

It's difficult to know what to do next when something like this happens.  It feels like life just . . . stops for a while.  It's easy to second-guess yourself and your decisions and not know how to proceed, or what the next step is supposed to be.  I just feel kind of lost.

But these words are giving me the hope I need:

"One of the things the Spirit has repeatedly impressed upon my mind since my new calling as President of the Church is how willing the Lord is to reveal His mind and will. The privilege of receiving revelation is one of the greatest gifts of God to His children...If we will truly receive the Holy Ghost and learn to discern and understand His promptings, we will be guided in matters large and small."

And this from Elder Brian K. Taylor  was pretty perfect, too:

To mothers, who often feel overwhelmed and underwater while striving to raise "a sin-resistant generation," never underestimate your central role in God’s plan. In stressful moments—know that God sanctifies your most difficult days.

I don't really know what to do now.  But it's okay.  I don't have to know.  Allen and I decided we will just pray, and we will just receive revelation.  I loved how President Nelson described that he was surprised to find how much the Lord wants to reveal things to us.  When you think of Heavenly Father as a parent, it's easy to see how this is true!  We want to show and tell our kids good things that can help them, and so does He.  So we are just going to try to receive His guidance, and trust His "willing[ness] to reveal His mind and will."

In the mean time, I feel so surrounded with love.  It is very humbling to realize just how many people are willing to serve at a moment's notice--even in the midst of their own trials.  It's so humbling.  I am so grateful for so many personally-tailored blessings, even in the middle of something so personally painful.